Take another look in the mirror

I struggle with body image. 

There. I said it. My pride hates admitting it, but when I look at myself I have an outright negative view of my body. 

I like being confident. I love my outgoing personality and that helps me disregard anything anyone else thinks about me. But it doesn't matter if I'm my worst critic. I'm never good enough for me. 

I don't want to get into details, but I wanted you to know. I started a new devotional and the first day centers around this one verse: "A good woman is hard to find, and worth more than diamonds." (Proverbs 31:10 MSG) 

The author then goes into talking about how in order to understand your worth, you need to identify what destroys your worth. 

I am detrimental to my own worth. I destroy my own worth by having a negative view of my body and a mean demeanor when I'm thinking about myself. If my body and mind are a temple, how can I honor that temple if my own words tear it down? 

What defines our worth:

We were all made by God, for God, in the image of God. 

FAM READ THAT AGAIN. 

God created you. He created you for Himself. He created you in the image of Himself. 

THATS how much He values you. That means there's no room to think negatively about myself when I know who I was created by, and for, and through.

I hope my little revelation is a light to you too. Today instead of looking at your thighs or your arms or your stomach and seeing imperfection I pray that you will see beautiful creation. 

Reflections & Dreams

Body & balance.

Those were my key words of 2014. I wanted to focus on a few specific things: making healthy choices for my physical body, as well as finding healthy ways to be involved with the body of the church, and I wanted to strike the right balance in my involvement with church and school.

In 2013, I did a really terrible job with both. I didn't consider care of my body something important. I ate whatever I wanted and rarely exercised. In the spring of 2013 I was over-involved with the body of my church and in the fall I had no community whatsoever. That imbalance was reflected in my priorities: one season my school work wasn't high on my list of priorities and the next season it became one of the most important things.

In the beginning of 2014 I was truly blessed to find Hillsong NYC. I found that the best way to get plugged in was just walking into a room full of strangers with an open mind and a open heart. And, surprisingly, that worked. I met countless friends that I hold so dear just by being a part of the Bløck community. When my good friend Jenna asked the women of our connect group what our "words" for 2014 would be, I somehow found the words body and balance to be extremely relevant, both to life itself and my spiritual journey. That night at Birch coffee, a lot of changes took place inside my heart, and that one night inspired a heart-shift all year long. That group of women showed me what body and balance looked like, as our group was full of talented designers and models and dreamers.

I didn't implement changes perfectly, nor did I remember those words every single day. But as I reflect on the year 2014 was in my life, I truly believe that summarizing my goals and dreams and aspirations into key words helped tremendously.

My new 2015 planner (by Horacio Printing) has a space in the beginning for dream-planning and refocusing, which has inspired me to look for my key words of 2015. I've decided on a short mantra for this year.


Dream BIGGER.


What's in a dream?

According to the Merriam Webster definition of dream, a dream is

• a series of thoughts, visions, or feelings that happen during sleep

• an idea or vision that is created in your imagination and that is not real

• something that you have wanted very much to do, be, or have for a long time. 

So many moments in my life right now revolve around dreams. A few months ago, my friend Philip asked me what my dreams were. That struck me in a way I don't think he could have predicted. What are my dreams?! Honestly I drew a blank at first. I can't remember the last time I dreamt while sleeping. I can promise you that from the moment I knock out to the moment I open my eyes, there's only black. But day dreams?! I thought dreams were impractical, that dreaming doesn't lead to actually getting anywhere and could really only lead to heartbreak. I guess my dream was to design clothes people would actually wear...? To move to New York? Were those good enough dreams? Were they too small? (But then again, does it really matter what anyone else thinks?) So many questions immediately flew around my head that I had to lay my phone aside to remind myself to breathe. 

What are my dreams?

I'm reading a book right now titled "God Has a Dream for Your Life." In the beginning, Sheila introduces her concept with a comparison of Dorothy and Aunt Em from the original book The Wizard of Oz. Aunt Em used to be a dreamer, full of life and spark but then over time, a series of moments took that spark and turned her as grey and dreary as the fields where she lives. Dorothy is the polar opposite. She lives life in full color, laughing and smiling and dreaming all the way. Shelia asks a series of questions at the end of this section that struck me:

[What did you dream of as a little girl? How have your dreams changed? Did you choose to lay them down, or did you have to? Do you even remember what they were?]

I remember dreaming as a kid of having a house and being a mom. I also remember dreaming of being the President of the United States and being a world changer. Today, I couldn't STAND the thought of owning a home let alone having kids in the next 5 years, and I cringe at the thought of politics.

I've come to realize that one of my biggest dreams is really wrapped in my desire to be content. I dream of contentment more than I am actually content in my life. (If that makes any sense.) I don't want to be in a constant state of want, I want to cultivate a heart of gratitude towards what I have, especially that which I have but cannot see. I need to start setting my heart where my real treasure is stored. 

When I was out shopping the other day I saw a shirt that said "don't quit your day dream." My first thought was "that's some dumb shirt a teenage girl is going to wear to high school to make herself look like a free-spirited hippy queen. *Insert pictures of girls in fields of wheat wearing flower crowns with the perfect sunset.* But honestly there's more to that shirt that just half a yard of fabric and a screen print. "Don't quit your day dream" is a PLEA to dream even bigger. You, and by "you" I really mean "I", can nitpick the details and realism of the dream later. For now dream even bigger and set your sights higher!

So here's to 2015. This is going to be the best year of my life because I am going to dream even BIGGER dreams than I could ever imagine being possible. And I hope you'll join me.

With God all things are possible.

Matthew 19:26

He is able to do immeasurably more than we imagine.

Ephesians 3:20

the best is yet to come.

Wonder

If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, why do things lose beauty?

Right now I'm in studio watching the snow fall outside. Only a few days ago we were all mesmerized when we woke up with a new snowy blanket covering the ground. The chilly temperature added to the enchantment of watching thousands of tiny flakes, all uniquely shaped and formed, fluttering to the ground and landing on our big knit scarves and furry ear muffs. Today looks quite different, our mouths are full of grumbling about the temperature, walking anywhere, and the hassle it is to work around the weather.

Where did our wonder go? Have we already gotten so used to these circumstances that we fail to see the beauty anymore?

Sometimes I feel that way about God. Have I really gotten so used to His presence that I sometimes fail to see His majesty?!
The prayer of my heart is this: may we never lose our wonder. May we always look with the eyes of a child, as all things are new and exciting and beautiful. This snow fall is still beautiful, as is His grace.

“Don’t push these children away. Don’t ever get between them and me. These children are at the very center of life in the kingdom. Mark this: Unless you accept God’s kingdom in the simplicity of a child, you’ll never get in.”

Jesus' words from Mark 10:14-15 MSG 

The Feels

I'm really bad with feelings. All feelings. I'm really bad with expressing them properly, especially the negative kind. I have always looked at negative emotions as weakness, and I will NOT be made out to be weak. So when I get sad I do anything and everything to hide it. But guess what.

I'm sad. There, I said it. I'm so sad it makes me sick. I feel forgotten, I feel alone, I feel like nothing I ever do will be good enough, and I feel like a failure. I know the truth. More in my head, I'm still working on my heart. I know that I am not forgotten, or alone, that I am worthy and that I am more successful even where I am now than I could have ever imagined. But sometimes all that I can see is one circumstance that didn't work out, one situation that didn't go how I'd hoped, or one dream I had that isn't playing out. 

I'm realizing that putting faith in God, for me, is actually sometimes easier when life is great. I love giving God praise when I feel happy. But that's the difference between joy and happiness, joy is something that doesn't change based on circumstances. Happiness can fade with the wind, but joy remains. Joy is day in, day out. Joy is a battle.

Today, I was reminded how there are two different ways to go about viewing God: 1) give Him the praise and glory He deserves no matter what, or 2) barter and withhold my praise for Him until my situation changes. Well, I'm not going to get down because I don't live where I want to live or because school doesn't look like what I want it to or even because I didn't get the boy I liked. I'm going to give God glory for the fact that I do have a roof over my head, that I go to an amazing university that will help me get where I want to be, and that I have amazing friendships with guys that teach me more than a relationship could right now.

I'm gonna keep pressing into God. For now, that's all I have. And that's all I've ever needed.

Trust God from the bottom of your heart;

don’t try to figure out everything on your own.

Listen for God’s voice in everything you do, everywhere you go;

he’s the one who will keep you on track.

Proverbs 3:5-6

why design?

At 20 years old, in New York City of all places, I was told by my teacher that I did not know myself as a designer, that I didn't know enough about myself to even develop an aesthetic. Don't take this the wrong way: I really enjoy being open minded to different things and new methods. Now at 21 years old, only a few months later, another professor asked me to write out my design philosophy. 

I was told that I didn't have a voice, let alone the ability to put it on paper. It was almost like an overnight self discovery. The big question is not “What do I want to be known for?” but “What am I going to offer?”

Sitting in my apartment in Kent, Ohio at 3:00 am and I am going on a major self-discovery adventure. This is an even greater feat than asking an 18 year old what they want to do with the rest of their life before sending them away with a thousand other people who have no idea what they're doing. (because that’s what college is)

This is my life.

What am I going to base the rest of my design career on?

I landed on three main points that encompass who I think I am. This is the kind of design that makes sense to me. You should, in essence, be able to teach a short course on your concept and inspiration by the time your collection is complete. So, I wanted to share what I came up with...

 1.  Remember Her.

She wants to be influential and enthralling. She wants to be mature, yet vibrant and youthful. She wants to find a balance in sophistication and comfort. She leads an engaging life. She is my essence, my muse. She is the reason why I design. Form follows function. Remember Her.

2.  Remember beautiful innovation.

I was created to design and dream. With each collection, I should be able to answer the question, “What am I offering that is fresh ?” Help her add new fashion pieces to her existing wardrobe.

3.  Remember sustainability.

How will I be sustainable? Will it be zero-waste? Will it be slow fashion? Whatever it may be, please consider the environment in all you create.

So thank you for reading this little blurb that came out of my head at three am. After this lovely thought, I proceeded to write a three page paper. It was quite a lovely evening.

Also, because my mind runs wild with a thousand ideas in each minute, I’m wondering what it looks like to take a “productive” Sabbath? As I explore, I’ll compile and post thoughts later, if you have any feel free to leave a comment below!

Quiet Reflections

It's hard to believe the summer is winding down and I will soon be starting a new season of life. 

Altogether, this past year was a whirlwind, let alone the past three months. The events I so anticipated have now come and gone and so begins the mental preparation for a brief wind down before starting the fall semester of senior year. As I reflect on this summer, so many smiles come to my face.

This summer, I took 2 very different, but strikingly similar retail jobs. One at Ann Taylor, one at Lush Cosmetics. I work over 50 hours a week between my two jobs, all the while finding some peace in the organized chaos. However, there have been shifts I've worked purely exhausted, not wanting to do my work, waiting for the hands of the clock to move. One thing my coworkers have noticed and pointed out to me: my joy in doing work. During all of those exhausting shifts, I helped customers with a real smile on my face. Nothing forced or over-done, but pure love and patience in serving our clients. I'm not trying to put my actions on a pedestal for model behavior, but patience and love were some of my goals this summer. So when my manager told me she was impressed by my patience and my sales lead reminds me that I am super knowledgeable, I'm a little proud. It's a lot of my own hard work, yes, but I wouldn't have had this transformation without The Lord. I was reminded of one verse while having my chair time one morning: Colossians 3:23: work as if you are serving The Lord. Mother Theresa once said that everyone you encounter is really Jesus in disguise. Even though that hasn't always been my first thought at work, it's certainly come in handy when dealing with unpleasant situations. Retail can be a challenge, but it has been a blessing and honor being able to do this work.

Sandblast 2014 were the four days that bring me the most joy! I am full of thanksgiving just remembering all that God did that weekend; the community that was created, the students that received salvation, the way 2,000+ young people worshiped The Lord together!!! It was an amazing time: purely indescribably joy. For the sake of the Kingdom, I gladly left the comforts of a group I know well to serve with a new team, wear a new color, and lead new students. At first, there was heartache and a mild case of FOMO. But after the first house group meeting, I realized the kids I had been placed in community with were beyond amazing. These students took Jesus' example of love and truly lived it.

And don't even get me started on my small group. By some great act of God, I had been assigned to lead the junior girls at Dupage. The other leaders warned me about the girls, but found myself excited for the opportunity placed in front of me. At first it was a challenge. I have a confession to make: I have no idea what I'm doing! There's no set way to lead a small group and there sure is no perfect way to build community within a group of 15-16 year old girls. It's all God: He gives me the words to say. I am merely a messenger of grace. Watching how He took these girls and made them inseparable was heartwarming. Each of my girls are absolutely unique and precious: but by God's goodness I claim them as mine. They are my six, and I will be there for them even when I am not present physically. The way that God has woven our lives together amazes me. 


Which brings me to something that God has laid heavy on my heart. While I am expecting to go into a living hell next year producing my senior collection, I have to wonder what it's going to look like when it's over. It may be strange to think about the ending even before the beginning, but I'm curious. After college, it's over. There's no more school. From September to May, for the entirety of my life, that has been the one constant I can expect. What happens when it's all over? May 9, 2015 I will walk across a stage to be handed a document saying that I have completed all of the requirements other people expect of me. Where will I go next? What am I going to do with myself? It's kind of daunting to think that I could, in reality, go anywhere and do anything. However, this summer has stirred something in me that I am going to be praying through next year:

What would it look like to stay in the Chicago area for a few years?

I know, I know. That's not "the plan." "The plan" was to graduate college and move immediately to NYC. Maybe do some couch surfing until I land a cheap apartment and a decent design job. Which would, in essence, fulfill what I had deemed my "career path" my senior year of high school when I enrolled in a fashion design program. But I think God's calling me to more. There's something greater for me than the mundane everyday. What if God wants me to dedicate myself to this ministry a little longer? Even though it's been a short time, I dedicated myself to building up a community; not just my six girls but also this body of students. I think God has a different plan for me, and His plan is the master plan. It's the path I'm on. 

As I said, it's something that I'm going to be praying through a lot next year. What would it look like to graduate my girls and lead them up to their college experience? What would it look like to then lead an entire house group? What would my "career" look like? I have many questions but God is igniting a new fire in me: I will not ignore the Spirit inside. 


Thank you for enduring this post. I feel like I say that I lot because I don't keep up as well as I should on here and every post turns into a full chapter of Mabel's Life Story. I just wanted to give a few updates of events that have past, thoughts that are new, and God's current workings in my life. I hope this post brought you as much joy to read as it did for me to write. I am so excited about all of the things God is doing and I have a joyful hope about what is yet to come!!!! I want you to leave encouraged, so I think it's fitting to leave you with these words that I spoke my senior year of high school to my swim team:

Get out of your comfort zone!!!

How are you loving?

Nostalgia is a funny friend. 

I went to Colorado Leadership Training two years ago. (Isn't that hard to believe?!) With a lot of my friends currently enjoying the place that holds such a big portion of my heart, it's only fitting that I found a shoe box in the top of my closet yesterday that holds all of my full journals. With journals from Kent and my trip to Amsterdam, weighing heavy on my heart are those from LT. I have been re-reading the notes I made during that summer in Estes Park, and I'm finding out that I am still very much learning the same lessons I did two years ago.

It's funny how God does that.

I'm reflecting a lot on my prayers from that summer: I close my eyes and I can see where I sat at the place where the two rivers met, where my heart cried to God for my family's sake. Reading these pleas to God wrecks my heart; this is still my cry two years later. I've been praying for my family to come to know Jesus for over 4 years now and it's difficult to admit that I am a bit discouraged. Jesus said that with faith the size of a mustard seed I could move mountains. I like the mountains where they are; my dream is to move people.

I've been reading over my notes from various teachings we had in Hyde Chapel. One message hits home: that of Matthew 5:13-16 and Romans 10:14-15.

Key thought: If you had the best day of your life, would you not share it with others?

In Jesus, we have the best Savior. The best Lover, the best Friend, the best Provider, the best Healer. Will you not share of His greatness?

"The Moon has no ability to give off light on its own; it reflects the Sun."

 

We are like the Moon; only able to reflect the love of Jesus in the way we love others.

How are you loving people? How are you loving people today?