a lot of my insecurities come from the emphasis i place on relationships. i idolize them and place way too high of a value on what people think of me. my friends aren't just people that i love hanging out with; i have a massive fear of losing them every minute.
i place my friendships on a pedestal. especially my friendships with guys. this, combined with the fact that my ultimate love language is quality time, leads me to develop feelings for people quickly. i have been hurt and i have hurt people because of this. it's so true that hurt people hurt people. and one painful thing i'm learning is that my future spouse is going to be affected by this one day as well.
however, in this very instant, i cannot bear to think about getting into a relationship. [PTL!] i have been praying that i won't feel consumed by the thoughts of dating anymore. and tonight i have had a small taste of what that feels like. oh the freedom!
at h2o, there is a team of people that always prays over the service before it starts. as you can imagine, lots and lots and lots of time, preparation, planning, and rehearsing go into making a service happen. but there's also a TON of prayer. when we close our prayer circle, we always encourage each other to go out and meet someone new. at this, i am always conflicted. part of me says, "yes mabel! go meet new people; be a light!" the other part of me says, "yeah right, i'm just gonna go hangout with my friends." i could feel God telling me that today would be a day of making connections.
today at church, i met a girl from china. her name is freesia. my good friend aggy asked her to join us at h2o today. sometimes i'm insecure about what i say to people when first starting a conversation about faith, but the Lord totally gave me the right words to say. my conversation with freesia turned into one that was super fruitful. we ended up exchanging numbers and she asked me to hangout sometime this week! i am so excited to continue our conversation and dive into her life: i cannot wait to find out more about her culture and her beliefs!
another praise from today actually came from my mother. normally, my family and i do not see eye to eye on the subject of faith. my parents especially stand firm on their opinion that i am way too involved in h2o and that my focus on Jesus and serving is terribly damaging to my academics. however, today i had something important to tell me mother that i was nervous and excited about.
during spring break this year, i have the amazing opportunity to potentially participate in a trip going to amsterdam, the netherlands. mind you, there is an application process and support raising that i still need to go through, but if it's God's will, i will be spending the last week of march 2013 in europe! this trip has a few different missions: serving a church one of our pastors helped to start, learning about the culture, evangelizing in the red light district and a university town, and spending a day just exploring on our own. this involves determining rather quickly if this trip is something i am called to.
after a summer in colorado, my mom still doesn't understand too much about support raising. tonight, i wanted to discuss her opinion on the trip, i figured i should start the conversation now when i'm first getting the information than wait until i've already applied. i have come to a place where i know that it is right to honor my parents by hearing their thoughts and considering them, even if what they share may not be what God desires for me. at first, talking to my mom seemed to be turning into another discussion about my faith. yet surprisingly, it made a 180 turn and my mother was extremely receptive to what i had to say. she is working on trying to understand how support raising works and even apologized for forming her opinion before she was able to comprehend it fully. there are still logistics about the trip that i need to figure out, but i'm so relieved to know that my mom is at least open to the idea of me participating in this trip. this was truly a huge step for her, it brought me to tears. my friend elsa encouraged me with this: "there's no way that any person can change their heart like that without God's work in them." God is definitely working in my mom's heart. now, my biggest concern can be putting my faith in the fact that God can and WILL provide the funds needed for this trip.
this weekend has been a beautiful blessing. i have been able to find joy in my fashion work, practice loving on people (especially people who are sometimes hard to love), and on top of all of that, the temperature was in the 60s for a majority of the time. super enjoyable.
a few words from the songs on my heart tonight:
"Holy is the Lord God almighty, the earth is filled with His
glory!" Holy is the Lord- chris tomlin
"breathe in me your life, i can feel you are close now. i can never hide; you are here and you know me. all i need is you and i love you, i love you, i love you, i love you. breathe in me your life til your love overtakes me. open up my eyes, let me see you more clearly. falling on my knees til i love like you love like you love me, i love you." bones- hillsong united
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