right now, however, i find myself having to do something very difficult for me: analyzing my feelings. this process is excruciatingly painful for me. i'm stuck thinking, "why can't i just throw a smile on a get on with life?" i know that i don't always have to be happy, but it's just easiest. especially as an enthusiast. (see Enneagram Institute for details, type 7! throw them sevens up!) over the past few days, even as i have been surrounded by people, i have just felt super alone. there are so many contributing factors. a big element is that i am simply missing kent. i miss my best friends from school, the people who know me inside and out, and things that are familiar. my one best friend from home has been gone since i got back from our family vacation, so i have been spending a lot of time alone. my family's house doesnt feel like home, more like a very temporary dwelling place where i can idle in between semesters. i am seeing a glimpse of light, though. the good news: i'm finding that the only way to unclutter my mind is sorting through each bit with God. and i am learning a LOT.
a few thoughts from my journal a few days ago:
"In my loneliness, I don’t feel like anyone cares? I have
friends who care for me and pray for me and love me through anything (even if I
can’t be physically with them). I have a family who display forgiveness
and love to me often. And my GOD! My God loves me more and knows me better than anyone ever
could. He has the number of the hairs on my head, knows my thoughts before I think
them, and He collects my tears.
My heart breaks...because the Lord sees me and I have betrayed Him. I completely abandoned
Him. In my time of weakness, I didn't look for the Strength to pull me out; in
my darkness I did not look for the Light. My heart breaks because God’s heart
breaks. You know the song “Hosanna”? In the bridge, they sing “Break my heart
for what breaks yours”. I have prayed that prayer countless times. My heart has
been broken for countless things as I've seen the Lord’s heart break for His
people. But I've come to realize something. The Lord’s heart breaks because of
my sin against Him, yes, but it also breaks for me. My Father in Heaven has a heartache
when He sees me heading in a direction that is bad for my heart. His heart doesn't just break for His sake, it breaks for mine. His heart breaks because
He cares for me. What?!"
this is such a new concept to me. God isn't just sad because i betrayed Him, God's desire for me is so strong that He doesn't want me to wander into the wrong direction. how selfless is He in His emotions!!! this is so convicting. a great reminder that i am not doing anything for my own gain, but so that my Father in Heaven can be glorified!!!
today, i was able to spend a lot of time with my mom. to be completely honest, when she first asked me to join her, i was really dreading the whole thought. i went with her to walk the mall, then we went for a craft supply run, and after a quick bite to eat, we went to see a movie. as comfortable as i was eating breakfast in front of the tv early this morning, i am so glad i got up and out of my comfort zone. even when i am not feeling up to anything, i sure am seeing the benefits of investing in others. i am so blessed and honored to have the opportunity to spend the day with someone i love so dearly. i cherish my mom and am humbled to know her more deeply after today!
well, there you have it folks. first post of 2013!!! one of my goals is to be able to post more often; i so enjoy it and it really does help in sorting my thoughts. as for new year's resolutions, this is hard. i have so many goals and i'm currently in the process of reevaluating them. my biggest one by far is to seek God in everything and pray for
more opportunities to share His amazing love. i'm hoping to figure out the
ideal routine where i will have enough time to have QT in the morning and
start my day off right!
here’s a few quick updates! some things I’m
looking forward to this semester that bring me massive joy and you may consider
joining me in praying about!
in the fashion realm, my best friend kate and i
have submitted designs and been chosen to create for a huge fashion show in kent
this coming march! when we get back to school we are going to start pattern
drafting and buying fabric, i am very excited for this! it should be a very fun
time! also, i am going to be training for a 5K with some friends from work when
i get back, i am immensely excited for that! (i am have only recently
started running, don’t judge! Matthew 7:1-2, John 8:3-7) and i think the most
exciting update of all is that i will be heading to Amsterdam, The Netherlands
for spring break this year! our team of 11 will be heading overseas for 8 days
to do some work with a church over there, evangelizing and stirring up spiritual
conversation on the streets, and doing some preliminary church planting
activity!!! i am so, SO blessed to have been allowed to go on this trip and
have recently started my support raising process! if you could pray with me
about getting all of my finances in check in preparation for this trip, it would
me greatly appreciated!
friends, i thank you for all your patience as i
pour out my heart, and i’d love to hear from you as well! if you have a prayer
request, i’d love to pray with you! just leave a comment or facebook/tweet/text
me! i’m all ears!!
many blessings in this new year!
~mabel
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