Leaps and bounds

Who is anyone to tell you that you shouldn't take a risk? Who can call themselves your friend while holding you back? Risks aren't for everyone. Some people are perfect examples of this, with many fears ranging from heights to pigeons. I've seen a lot, folks.

This post is a bit of a rant. The long and the short of it really boils down to me not liking people tell me what to do. I'm no wild child. I'm not a crazy party girl, but I'm no good girl. I just like living outside the confines of the box and doing things most people don't. Sometimes I do need to be grounded, and yes I always appreciate when people are blunt with me. But no, I do not appreciate when people think their opinion is so correct they can just make my decisions. I am perfectly capable. And worst case scenario, I need to be free to make my own damn mistakes. 

I don't need to be told what works for you. I don't need you to give me a lecture on the way the world spins according to you. You probably don't know what's best for me. I don't even know that, that's only God's place. I'm learning what works for me. And I'd appreciate it if you didn't try to take that freedom from me. 

Like I mentioned before, living across an ocean is helping me discover who I am. And I'm realizing that I want to be someone who genuinely loves everyone. Without bounds. Not in that stereotypical way, but a true love and acceptance for everyone. For my gay best friends. For the girls from kent who I get drinks with. For my boyfriend who's not a Christian. I want to love everyone. And I'm discovering that I can't do that until I really know what love is and where is comes from. 

At this point, all I can say is that true love comes from God. Because love takes human form in Jesus himself. Fully man, fully deity, and suffered the most excruciating death fathomable. For a people who mocked him. I hear my voice molding from the crowds. More often than not. It's shameful. But he loves me anyways. And that is the truest love anyone can ever hope to know. 

So here's to an everlasting love. One that I hope everyone sees. Not necessarily in me. I'm human. And I've done quite a terrible job repping Jesus' name in Italy. But I do pray that everyone sees this love that is always before you. 

Perspective

"This is a story that is not a story. A sting of feelings, perhaps. A succession of emotions and suggestions, most definitely. The viewer is invited to fill the voids and gaps between the still images and create a narrative in his head, knowing that the cycle is endless, because the end is the beginning is the end." Hatology exhibit, Anna Piaggi

That's how I want my life to be. I want people to know me not just for style and fashion but my life. The world I create, the energy I give off, (hopefully) positive vibes. Openly loving. I want people to know what I stand for, but also, like any great painting, I want to leave room for interpretation. I want to inspire curiosity and wonder. 

I feel like being able to live not only away from home, but on another continent entirely, has really shaped my vision not only for the rest of my life, but for myself as well. I have discovered more about myself in this first month and a half of this semester than I ever have before in my life. I've learned what I want, and what I don't.  I've learned who I am, who I'm not, and who I'm becoming. And honestly, sometimes I don't like who I'm becoming. I feel like Pluto. I feel like the small dwarf planet. I feel like I fell away from my orbit. My pattern, my way of life. The way I do things at home and back in kent are so different. In some ways, I have become harsh and egotistical and manipulative. I have grown farther from God and from my community than I can tangibly explain. I swear more. Maybe some of these things seem petty. Well with me, this is not so. I am harder on myself than the toughest critic, and I beat myself up more hours of the day than I encourage myself and my free flowing thoughts. (Which is ironic since my biggest gifting is encouragement.)

But I don't want you to be discouraged. Some of these life realizations and changes are nice. Since I've veered so far off my usual pattern, I have realized what matters most to me. I know where to find joy, and I'm gonna seek Him and fight for His joy until the day I die. I've realized that my love of the small things in life is an amazing gift of appreciation. I love intricate details and having conversations with people I've never met and learning exciting, new things. I love being able to just stand and stare and be in awe of something. This world is such a vast place and I want to see and appreciate as much of it as I possibly can. 

When I was asked earlier today what I blog about, I really didn't know how I answer. Not really fashion, yet I'm now considering it. Faith is usually a main theme, but I would hope it's not a pushy, shoving it down your throat kind of way. My blog is really about my life. I don't want it to be full of 'dear diary' posts. But it's about my life.  I really do hope that my life can be a message. That people can learn from my mistakes, grow from my lessons. 

I want to inspire wonder. 

The City of Lights.

my thoughts as we were on the plane coming back from Paris. (only 3 days late)

Being in Paris the last 5 days has been a truly life-changing experience. It was more incredible than I ever could have anticipated. I am returning to Florence more inspired, more driven & more wonder-filled. I think I'm starting to feel the gravity of my semester in Europe; how truly blessed I am to have this opportunity. I am choosing to humbly call myself one of the fortunate few. I don't want to take any of this for granted, I don't want to waste a single moment. I am so grateful for our trip to Paris.

I think the biggest take-away from this trip has been inspiration. I am learning to look at everything as potential. Seeing all of the different facets of the world with open eyes and remembering to take it all in. Take notes, take pictures. Capture everything that captivates you.

All of the different things we did contribute to my new awe-filled perspective. Premiere Vision & Trend Union were obviously astounding and gave me more information than I can even hope to process. Being able to see & touch the fabrics and colors and trends for Autumn/Winter 2014/15 was a treat, and seeing the images that reflect where style is heading in Spring 2015 was just freaking awesome.The exhibit of discovering the inner parts of costume & textiles was fascinating and it was so amazing to see the way current designers are portraying the inspiration. The demonstration on Grès technique was not only informative, but flooring. The true talent that goes into the art of fashion is quite incredible.

Outside of the group visits, I am also blessed to have been able to take in so many other bits & pieces unique to this magnificent city. People-watching and taking street-style photos was more satisfying than anywhere else I've ever been. Seeing the way people interact & express themselves is quite wonderful in Paris. Musèe Branly provoked me to think about textiles as a craft; something that is not new but merely redeveloped. Seeing the unique African antiques was a privilege. The boat tour we took on the first day we got there prompted me to think about the strong ties between a city's architecture & the culture of its people. Parisian facades are more astounding that any picture could dare to reproduce. Then being able to actually walk around Champs Elysèes and climb the Arc de Triomphe gave me an entirely new prospective. What a view! Picnicking at the park at the foot of the Eiffel Tower was so sweet! Then experiencing the City of Lights in the night hours was phenomenal. I absolutely adore city lights in the evening and that was the icing on the cake of a very long, yet worthwhile, second day! Figuring out the metro system on my own fills me with contentment. Very simple for the most part, with some patience-testing moments here and there, I feel like I definitely refined my directional skills. I am accomplished! Being able to briskly walk through the Louvre was nice. I was on my own schedule, I saw what I went there to see. Honestly, sitting on a bench across from the seated scribe was one of my favorite moments. One of the most prominent & influential Egyptian sculptures (and my personal favorite) left me so fulfilled. My heart was an overflow of joy and contentment. However, it's definitely necessary to plan another trip here someday. It would have been nice to take my time the Italian Renaissance paintings. And finally, Versailles. The Palace is immensely ornate. And oh, how I do love floral prints! Seeing the Queen's room was the ultimate for fellow lovers of intricate, delicate floral tapestry. The gardens were stunning! And the light pale blue & white color scheme of Marie Antoinette's cottage inspired me so much. I was awestruck at the attention to detail - especially when thinking about the preservation. The mere fact that these works were up kept for me to experience is something I marvel at.

In short, I could not have dreamt up a better way to spend these past 5 days in Paris! I am truly looking forward to sketching new ideas & dreaming bigger dreams upon my return to Florence. Bonsoir, au revoir!!!

Of course, I've been flooded with school work since returning to Florence. I haven't posted any pictures yet, but keep refreshing Facebook for a new album! (it's gonna be big guys... I took SO MANY pictures!)

xox

a wandering heart

I feel like I'm struggling to know whats real truth and what this world is telling me. It started with this post I saw on Pinterest yesterday (yes I'm aware I go on that website far too often). "Your 20s are your selfish years...fall in and out of love just because you can." Boy doesn't that just sound wonderful. To be selfish and to live for yourself and to make your own mistakes simply because they're the mistakes you need to make. To be foolish instead of wise, to live freely abandoning all regard for the world. 

But who the hell actually wants to live like that? Who wants to be selfish and only concerned about their next move or their next tomorrow? Who wants to live in a way where they're not going to learn from the mistakes they make? Instead of really letting each lesson soak in, it would be better to keep making the same mistakes? Who wants to live without being merely aware of their neighbor? Forget the fact that there's close to 8 billion people on this planet, each with their own stories and struggles, at least have some concern for your neighbor! 

We gotta starting living like we're dying. We need to soak in each day and each moment and be a people who are loving towards everyone just as much as we love ourselves. As far as I'm concerned, each of us only have one life. What a waste it would be to only care about yourself.

I definitely think there is a time and place to act freely. I know I'm definitely more of a planner. Not a control freak, but I like plans and organized schedules. I like having an outline to follow. So it's hard for me to think in this concept of freedom, just letting things be as they are. But I do believe there is a time and place for everything. Even Ecclesiastes 3 talks about this topic. Since I've only recently allowed myself to explore this concept of living without so much analysis, I've stumbled into a situation that I've found myself lingering on. It's something I would definitely say I regret. I think we all know the phrase that goes something like "live without regrets because at the time it was exactly what you wanted." Well that's never been my philosophy. I constantly feel the need to think with a futuristic (and eternal) mindset. Which, my friends, is a gift that I treasure. Many people my age (like the aforementioned Pinterest quote) are too concerned about the present moment and their current desires. However, my friend Cassie spoke this simple little truth into my life the other night and it's shattering my visions and ideas. I think it's something good for us all to here.

Nothing is not a waste of time. The time you invest in a person that doesn't end up working out only solidifies what you do believe and where you do stand. Each person from your romantic past is a lesson. Bitterness and anger aside, each attempted partner gives you an image of what you DO want instead of what you've experienced that you don't like. My future husband is going to be a perfect fit for me because I have a better idea of who I'm looking for. 

No one is a waste of time. 

I'm learning not to be bitter. Not to be so concerned with the details that I can't enjoy simplicity anymore. Gosh I sound like such a seven but its true. I plan things to a tee, with so much technicality in my thought process that I just don't enjoy life's small pleasures anymore. Yet I'm learning a good discipline: be a wanderer. Take it slow and really experience everything. Walk fast, drink your coffee slower, really listen to who you're having a conversation with. Ask questions simply because you're curious. Be fascinated, be captivated. Never be afraid to hit pause. Of all people, trust me when I say that I understand how hard that is. Slowing down is not my forte. Especially looking to start a career in fast fashion, putting on the breaks really seems like the opposite of what I should be doing. However, I do know that there are so many rewards awaiting me if I can just find a way to yield. And since I started with a Pinterest quote, I have to end with a Pinterest quote.

"Once she stopped rushing through life, she was amazed how much more life she had time for."

<3

Tre Settimane in Europa!!!

Well here we are, folks. The middle of my third week in Italy in the midst of the second week of classes. It is so difficult to think that I've only been here for such a short amount of time. It feels as if we have already become locals- although I'm sure the true Italians would beg to differ. It already seems like second nature to go to the mercato centrale every 3 days, and finding our way through the city is a breeze. This city feels so small already; once you know the main streets you can really find your way anywhere without a map. And I'm pretty sure I'm never coming home. I could eat pasta and mozzarella and fresh tomatoes and gelato and canoli and drink wine all day, every day. And it would never get old. Ever.

I want to give you a quick update on the many unique places I've already been and the upcoming trips I'll be taking! The very first Sunday we were here (think back to August 25) we were already off to our first exciting destination! This breathtaking place is called Cinque Terre, literally meaning five lands in Italian. A lot of us from the fashion school went with a group called Florence for Fun, an organization that plans trips and tours around Europe for students or anyone who is abroad to get as much out of their European adventure as possible! The trip to Cinque Terre is by far the best deal they offer, it's super inexpensive when considering all that's included and is a really easy day trip to fit into a hectic schedule! We went on guided tours and then had free time in each of these 5 coastal escapes, each humble paradise with it's own unique characteristics. While certain parts of Cinque Terre weren't possible for our trip, I so loved taking pictures of colorful buildings on cliffs and hiking through probably the most beautiful place I've ever experienced. I've met some truly incredible people and made new international friends! Life begins at the end of your comfort zone.

This last weekend, I found myself at a beach in a town called Viareggio, if I am not mistaken. It was absolutely gorgeous! While the bus ticket was a little more expensive than anticipated, it was worth every cent! We planned on going to the free beach to save a euro or two, but we immediately realized the benefits of paying a little extra. Not only did they have someone available to watch our belongings if needed, but the sand was softer and our beach chairs were expertly positioned to help us soak up the gorgeous Italian sunlight. That day was quite a perfect retreat!

Coming up: Paris in 2 weeks, Milan in 5 weeks, and London in 7 weeks!!! The fashion school is taking us to Premiere Vision, Trend Union, and Wicked just to name a few activities!!! My roommates, some friends, and I are also planning our own trips to a European chocolate festival in Perugia, Oktoberfest in Munich, Barcelona, Dublin, and I'll be making another visit to Amsterdam!!! I am so excited not only to experience different cultures and amazing cities, but also bask in all of the amazing fashions that will be presented!!!! Just today, a group that I'm in for one of my studio projects spent over an hour and a half talking about fabrics and yarns and color schemes and illustrations. It was one of my favorite studio days! 

Which brings me to a funny place. Sometimes, people discourage what I'm trying to do. They think fashion design is something you do when you have no "real" options, or when you just like clothes. Well, friends, in case you've never heard my side of the story, I'll lay it down. I'm about to go on a tangent/rant, so feel free to skip ahead if you're easily offended by opinionated people.

Fashion is about more than clothes. Fashion is about more than the "trends" you find on Pinterest and Tumblr and things that you think look cool. Fashion is about innovation and interpretation. It's about taking nothing and making it something worth remembering. One of my new friends taught me a word for this in German; the word for "strange" literally means "worthy of remembering". And fashion is strange. It's quirky and weird and if you look at runways sometimes it doesn't really appear to make sense. But that's the love of my life. The way you can look at something and admire it for it's fresh take and its beautiful construction and elegant craftsmanship. The fact that someone spent hours deciding not only the color, but the very fibers that would be woven. So today, when I say that I spent an hour an a half on fabrics and yarns, I'm saying I ONLY spent an hour and a half. I would have loved to spend the whole day, given the opportunity! It's about taking your vision from inspiration to reality, from lofty concept to something tangible. And then, we, as designers, have to consider not just what works with our vision, but what works within our price point, environmental standpoint, etc. So I work DAMN hard. That's right. DAMN hard. I've gone without sleep more nights than people who work the third shift. I've literally poured our my blood, sweat, and many, many tears for this major. And excuse me for sounding like Miranda from Devil Wears Prada, but you picking out your clothes from a pile of stuff based on what's offered at your favorite store does NOT constitute the type of work I do. And now I thank you, because I know no one who reads this would think, in any mindset, to make a comment so foolish as to call fashion, "fluff". That's like making medical school out to be something you can do in your spare time when you're bored. You attempt at understanding Kent State University Fashion Design is comforting to my soul.

Now that I've gotten that off my chest, I'm going to turn the conversation around. While living in a European city is absolutely fantastic, everyday my list of obstacles is being redefined. I'm pushing myself farther and farther, not only in my classes but in my tolerance level. You see, when I'm at home, things follow an order. It's more like a general outline, but nevertheless there is a relatively black and white definition of things that I either can or can't handle. I feel like I'm pushing myself to the limits being here. Five very different girls living under one roof definitely isn't making life easy. But I'm finding the biggest challenge is honestly dealing with my own issues. I'm definitely seeing the ugliest sides of myself come out with the small things I get annoyed by. I'm realizing I have a lot more growing to do and God's nowhere near done with me. It's also been extremely hard to have quiet times; there isn't a single church here like there is at home. I've gone to Catholic mass in Italian at the Duomo and am still looking forward to attending English mass, but I find myself missing my home with Willow Creek and h2o on campus. I know I'll be home soon, but all of this longing is starting to feel lonely.

I encourage you to comment, ask questions, and join me in praying for myself as well as all of us on this indescribable journey. Also, follow me on social media accounts and keep checking my Facebook Photos since I won't be uploading any pictures to my blog for the time being! Sending lots of Florentine love your way, and I hope to hear from you all soon- no matter where your corner of this grand Earth is! Ciao <3

Benvenuti a Firenze!!!

Welcome to Florence! Quite possibly my new favorite place on Earth. We've experienced beautiful weather, rich food and wine, and such a lovely language (even though we butcher it, we try). 

Everything feels richer here. Every place, every bite, every life is just more full here. Don't get me wrong, I'm all about the red, white, and blue, but I'm sure I might need to add green to that list. Italia is GORGEOUS. All the way around. Molto bella!!!

Already we've been out to dinner and grocery shopping and wandering. Wandering is the best, I think it's how we're going to end up finding our way around. My four roommates and I live just about the farthest from the school. It's only 20 minutes away, but we assumed that it would be somewhat confusing with all of these Italian streets, that of course all look the same. We've already have figured out the easiest way to get to our school and back by wandering. And because our first night and first full day here weren't scheduled for us, we were free to stop in shops and get cafe and gelato and take pictures. But no picture could do justice to any bit of this grand place. Maybe I'll try more videos.

I feel so blessed to be in this place, with these people. We lucked out with by far the largest and cutest apartment. I've already started calling it umile casa, or humble home. It really is so quaint and humble. It's just tucked away in northern Florence, hidden near the Piazza de Indipendenza. I feel just graced with the opportunity to enjoy this place. In reality, I wish I could just tuck all of Florence with me into my suitcase when I leave, but overweight bags cost too much. I'm going to leave with some token souvenirs (aka clothes, shoes, scarves, and LOTS of wine), pictures on pictures on pictures, and memories. Memories so full that they overflow into an ocean that will never run dry. And oh how excited I am to make these memories! With not only the best classmates, but the best roommates I could ask for. Sam, Paige, Cassie, Kate, and I are very different, yet so very similar in a thousand different ways. And I am looking forward to growing closer with each of these ladies!!!

So here's to the next four months. Where I could be doing a million other things and yet am honored to be spending it in historic Firenze, Italia. Here's to the laughs, the smiles, the travels, the footsteps, and the memories. Salute! (Cheers!)

Also, please view the photos I've been taking on my camera here!!! I'm not going to be posting a lot on my blog just to save time from uploading them to different places! So please feel free to browse, add me as a friend, follow me on Twitter (@mabeljeann), and follow me on Instagram! (@mabeljean) Ciao!

waves

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior
-Oceans, Hillsong United

That is one of my favorite songs from Sandblast 2013. And now it's just one of my favorite songs in general. That song speaks truth to the core of my being; that things are going to be rough and fall apart and sometimes seem to unimaginably disintegrate right in my hands, but through it all, God is Sovereign. God leads and protects and provides and acts as a guide even when I'm not seeking Him. And that's been a rough truth this summer.

You see, I have this best friend, Kaylea, and she's quite spectacular. She's the reason why I know Jesus. Every single day I am grateful for her, and for her courage to invite me to this place called Willow Creek Community Church just 5 years ago. She is passionate and empathetic and loving and gracious and beautiful. She's one of the greats, people. And this summer, this brilliant child of God spent her summer serving God by working at, of all places, Disney World. Freaking Disney World, folks. Like, right?! I know, I was geeked too. She is involved with Campus Crusade for Christ at Elmhurst College and had the opportunity to work at the park and outreach to people while being a part of a community called Summer Project. I have a very similar story.

I'm involved with an on-campus college church at Kent called h2o. A very humble, loving community of people on fire for Jesus on a public university campus. Can't get better. And last summer I had an opportunity to go to Colorado and be a part of something called Leadership Training. LT is a great program that helps you not only heal and grow, but teaches you how to be a disciple and lead your campus in the light and direction of Christ. So similar to Kaylea this summer, I left Illinois with no reservations just ready and willing to be obedient to God's calling. And while that's great and wonderful and handy-dandy...

it left Kay without her "person". And when I say person, I'm not talking significant other. I'm talking the person you need to do life with and be accountable to and call at 3 am and just know that they will be there to listen to you, "person". We're each other's person, since sophomore year of high school. I'm telling you now folks, that girl is going to be a part of my life forever. And ever. So while I was off listening to God in Colorado, I quickly became too busy to be approachable, by my own best friend! She was left feeling like she couldn't text or call me because I was too busy being adventurous and daring and having too much fun to be bothered. And I know this because we traded places this summer.

While I was welcomed back to Student Impact and the Conant Orange Crush house group with open arms, and blessed with the opportunity to lead a small group of genuinely fantastic young high school ladies, I was left without my person. No one knows my story and my struggles and my heart as well as this girl. Seriously no one. And just as I had done to Kaylea the year before, I was under the impression that I couldn't "bother" my best friend with a phone call or text. I somehow bought into the lie that she was too busy in Florida, or that somehow, phones stopped working when you went to cool places like that. Today was actually the first day I was able to see her since she got back about 2 weeks ago. And it's been rough. I leave for Italy in 4 days, so I really had to make the most of today.

There's a song I was listening to on the way home from church tonight. It's by a man named Greg Laswell and it's called Comes and Goes. It starts by dedicating the song to those that are lonely and the torn down, those who seek and do not find, who fall and can't find strength to stand. But it comes and goes in waves. Then it's the faithless, those who can't see ahead of their issues left unresolved. Then it's for the believing! The song turns optimistic, if only for believing's sake, you're going to find faith. But it comes and goes in waves. Then it's for the ones who stand, who try again despite past and present and potential future circumstances. It's for those who seek help and keep pursuing, thinking they can. It comes and goes, in waves.

It comes and goes in waves.

And that's kind of what a relationship with God looks like. You have the mountain highs, and the valley lows. Call it a roller coaster, call it whatever you like, but I think Mr. Laswell puts it best when he says it comes and goes, in waves. As the tide rolls in it crashes and sometimes it's violent and sometimes it's peaceful and it always looks different but all you can really do is ride it out.

And sometimes, without the community of the person God created for you, specifically, to invest in, you hit a really, REALLY big low. like a screeching halt, you just stop. and life appears to stop. it doesn't. the world keeps turning and people keep moving and things are changing. but it almost feels out of body. you look back and wonder, "was I even truly present?" Present in the context of being aware.

I could ramble forever, but all I want to leave you with is this question: who is your person? Or who is your group of people? Maybe you have a small group that you do life with, or a close friend since elementary years. Got them in mind?

Think of their eyes. And their hair. And their smile. And the way they dress and their personality. Think about the way that God so wonderfully created them. Their unique quirks. Their sense of self. Their true gifting, and their weak spots. Would you just say a prayer of thanksgiving to God, for just simply creating such a beautiful, wonderful, glorious person? They are someone worthy of praising God for. They are a praise. And then would you tell them that you appreciate them? For everything that they are; all of the ways they are so special to you. All of the moments you've shared and all of the moments you are so excited to enjoy with them in the future.

This brilliant woman named Shauna Niequist spoke at Willow Creek's midweek gathering tonight. Her final thoughts from her message wrapped up this idea beautifully: "Who are you telling good, encouraging, uplifting truth to?" Because we all need to hear and accept the truth that God speaks to us, but how often do we stop to relate the good truth that we see to each other?

So while I have spent this incredible summer with many extraordinary people, this is for Kaylea. Kay, you are my person that I actually do call at 3 am and that I make difficult, gut-wrenching confessions to. You share in my joys and share in my sorrows. You are such a beautiful, wise, comforting, loving, encouraging, good friend to me. And I appreciate you. I appreciate every little thing about you that makes you who you are, because you are the best best friend for me. Thank you. For simply being you.

And let me assure you, I'm going to get Wi-Fi reception overseas. And I'm looking forward to our conversations from opposite sides of the world.