but something really struck me this past thursday at our first life group of the year. i went in with a super hard heart. i didn't like the group before i had even given it a chance.
because of my poor attitude, i let myself get hurt by one of the leaders. this dear friend of mine was my mentor last semester, but this fall, however, she really doesn't have time to meet up every week. she is one of the busiest people i know! when she told me that she had to give our weekly meetings up, i was devastated. i was so broken and felt completely abandoned. all of the staff women are super busy; most of them having multiple children and other women to mentor as well. my friend broke my heart when she told me that she couldn't commit to me this semester.
also because of my bad attitude, i was really angry about the role i was playing in this bible study; i was a mere member! i had wanted to be a small group leader for as long as i can remember. my junior year of high school i went to and had a lot of input in a bible study with 50-60 of the strongest Christians in our whole student impact ministry- a high school group of about 1,300. my senior year of high school i started leading sophomores about once a month. my mom had always told me i was born a leader. why couldn't h2o see that i was ready?
usually, i've found that God will speak to me about areas that i struggle with when i least expect it. thursday, while my life group was meeting, me and God were having our own conversation. it went something like this:
Mabel: God, i really hope you have an escape plan for this.
God: now, why would you want that?
M: you've prepared me for way better than this. and can't you see how the leader is talking? like she's better than me...
G: well do you think you're better than her?
M: ...um...no i guess not. but does she have to say it that way?
G: maybe there's something that you should be taking away from what she's saying.
M: ...
G: and do you think you could honestly handle the responsibility of leading right now?
M: ...
G: you're right that i have prepared you for better. you won't be leading a life group. i have plans for you to be a light in places that only YOU can.
i needed that loving slap in the face. God is way too kind, His grace overflows even in these hard conversations. i don't deserve an answer to the question "why?" God doesn't owe anyone an explanation for what He's doing. but how amazing that He loves me enough to help me through my self-inflicted blindness!
these verses have been helping carry me through the weekend:
"For all those who exalt themselves will be humbled, and those who humble themselves will be exalted.” [Matthew 23:12]
"Then King David went in and sat before the Lord, and he said: "Who am I, Lord God, and what is my family, that you have brought me this far?" [1 Chronicles 17:16]
this is so reassuring that God is sovereign! who am i that God brings me out of my suffering? who am i that God sent Jesus for me?!
God has been teaching me that by putting extreme value and emphasis on my position in a group, i'm only trying to exalt myself. obviously, i'm not the one meant to be glorified. doesn't Jesus warn against this kind of self-righteousness in Matthew 6? "do not be like the hypocrites who do (various acts) in public to be seen by men? i tell you the truth they have received their reward in full." what i truly desire is the reward of my Father in Heaven. talk about a heart-check!
i have an amazing community at h2o with lots of women who love me. i will remain hopeful about finding someone to meet with on a regular basis. and i have learned a lot more about what God meant when He said, "i have plans for you to be a light in places that only you can."
this semester is going to be the busiest time i've ever encountered in my whole life. i will be involved in h2o in other ways than life group leading. i am on atmosphere team, production team, party planning committee, greeting, and mentoring for the well. i am working 2 jobs. one at the admissions call center monday-thursday nights and the other is giving campus tours on fridays. i am going to be involved in the fashion student organization hopefully designing for and photographing fashion shows. i am hoping to get an executive position in my hall council and be involved in planning programs and attending meetings. on top of all this, i'm a fashion student with about 20 hours of studio work necessary outside of class. God is planning to use me to help show his love in these places! let's hope people don't trip over me and my pride..
needless to say, this fall will bring some of the most stressful times i'll ever face. but it will also bring excitement and joy and new adventures!
i want to close with two verses that are particularly on my heart this evening.
"You have searched me, O Lord, and you know me." [Psalm 139:1]
"Take delight in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart." [Psalm 37:4]
how amazing that we have a God who love us so much that he desires our own happiness! God knows us and our desires. when we delight in Him, i can't help but think that it helps to align our desires with His plans for us. putting God first in everything and always thinking eternally is something i do not think anyone has mastered, especially not myself. i do things on multiple occasions that are out of selfish ambition. i understand now that i have a long way to go on this road to humbling myself, but i'm very excited to see how God will continue to teach me this discipline!
