there is nothing i hold on to. not anymore.
i've been reflecting on pain the past week. and by reflecting, i mean i've been reliving memory after memory that simply bring me to tears. some time today, i asked myself, "why are you beating yourself up?" the real question should be "why are you giving the devil a foothold?"
in all of my loneliness, i've been consuming my time with nothing but myself. i've had selfish thoughts; thinking of no one but myself for days. i've been all too focused on making myself happy. i'm worried about how i can fill the hours of the day just getting by without being stuck in the deeper issue: getting trapped in myself. or really, having my mind play on repeat the biggest traumas of my life.
my prerogative has been figuring out why God would have placed these events in my life. i may have forgiven those who have wronged me, but that wasn't enough. i knew there was a deeper meaning in all of this; heck if i truly believe the words of Romans 8 then God must have something in mind to use these life-altering events, right? but i've gotten it all wrong. i can't concern myself with figuring out God's motive, i need to figure out His mission.
i've needed to forget what my mind can figure out and focus on the faith that i have in Jesus. it's not about where you've been, it's not about leaning on your own understanding; it's about trusting His promise. He can do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine. my hope this evening was found when continuing my reading of 1 Corinthians 2 when i stumbled across a section that talks about the fact that we have received the Spirit of God (see v. 9-13). that made me think back to a verse in Joshua that says we need to be strong and courageous- God is with us. He is a living and active God, and He is at work behind the scenes in our lives. this verse have become a source of victory for me this evening. and i hope the same for you.
i've had a revelation tonight: surrender isn't a one-time deal. it's a constant battle about giving everything up to God. but tonight, i'm finally making the decision to surrender the pain moments and sour memories. i don't need to relive them daily, i know that i have been changed but it is for the better. and eventually, i will understand God's intentions and reasons behind using these things in my life. but that moment can, and will, wait. there's nothing i hold on to.
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