focus

These days my focus has shifted a lot.

All of the 7 billion thoughts in my head are occurring simultaneously. I'm thinking about the #YesAllWomen and the responses that are all too real on a daily basis. I'm thinking about what it feels like to have a broken heart and begin the healing process of moving past things that you can't change. I'm thinking a lot about hockey and how the Blackhawks are going to wipe the floors with the tears of the LA Kings when we win game 7 tomorrow. I've also been having nightmares about not being able to move back to NYC after I graduate, but that's another story.

But at the end of the day, at the end of all of these thoughts I have to remind myself what really matters. Hating men and my past isn't going to change anything and being obsessed with a trophy is only going to result in pride. Fearing that my dreams won't be realized only gives the devil more of a foothold in my brain. At the end of the day, I know that the peace only God can provide is and will always be more than enough.

That reminder is a lot easier to say than it is to take in. It's easy for me to rattle off a bunch of facts I know about how Jesus will always be there for me and yadda yadda yadda, but when I'm down it's even harder for me to remember these things are TRUE. When I'm in a bad place, I tend to just shut down. No comments or questions, I just power down and stop functioning. But it's when I'm in a negative frame of mind that I need to be reminded all the more of the simple truth that Jesus is with me.

In a letter to the church in Philippi, Paul writes, "Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: rejoice!" To rejoice is almost like a command. If I have nothing but God, I have everything. I especially love how David puts it in Psalm 16:2, "apart from you I have NO good thing." So I am going to choose joy. Not for the sake of suppressing my saddness, but because I fully know the joy I have in Christ Jesus.

Three sentences later in his letter to Philippi, Paul says that the peace of God, which is greater than anything we could understand, will guard your heart and mind. What does that mean? It means that by receiving God's peace, I won't accept anything less than His will for my life. It means that I don't have the option of quitting when my heart is broken. It means I can't throw in the towel when the devil gets inside my head. God has a vision for my life and I am determined to see that vision through. God is for me, so who can be against me? God is for me, and I will not fail.


In the midst of my head being clouded with so much right now, I'm also thinking a lot about how I got to where I am today. I'm nowhere near where I want to be, but I am definitely not where I was when I started this journey. I have to remember to keep moving. Keep pursuing God and running towards Him, persevering to finish the race. I am so thankful for all of the people who took risks on me; for my best friend bringing me to church and for leaders who speak truth into my life no matter what the situation is. I'm so thankful to have come alongside people who encourage me to keep running. I'm grateful for all of the ways I can even be of service to Him. And this includes, of course, Sandblast14.

I am in no way qualified to be a "leader" at Sandblast. I have not been planning this for months. I did not help in securing our location. I haven't really done much of anything except send a couple emails and show up to church. God qualifies those he calls (I guess you could say that I've got connections). Being flexible to where God is calling me is taking on a whole new dimension right now as I'm preparing to lead in a house group that does not wear the color orange, and isn't even from Willow Creek's main campus. 

(Side not for everyone out there: I made a pact with Benny Square I would never serve any other color but that of the infamous ORANGE CRUSH. So wearing PURPLE is kind of a big deal.)

Preparing to lead a small group with my best friend is beyond exciting, but I came across two dilemmas while preparing my heart and mind: I have no idea who any of these kids are and I don't own a lot of purple. The latter can be easily remedied with a trip to the store and help from body paint. But I am making it my mission, while I can still go on Sundays, to get to know these kids a little more. And even though I probably won't know everyone until we're actually on our way to Indiana in July, I am praying so hard for these kids.

God, you have gone before us. I'm praying that lives would be radically changed this summer, that students who never even imagined themselves at a church would find rest, peace, and salvation in you. As our leaders have one ear turned to the Holy Spirit, I'm praying that we will find wisdom and words to help guide our students. We know the time we have at camp will be short, but help us make the best use of it. Your will be done.

This post is pretty scattered and has taken a few twists and dives, but thanks for staying with me. This is an average hour inside my head. And since I started writing I've been doing several different things as the same time. Remember kids, treat women as equals and love Jesus. That's all. xox

My joy remains in Christ

In high school I broke up with guys when I got bored. 

That sounds horrible, but it's extremely honest. The one time I tried to make 
things genuinely work ended up worse than when I didn't try, so I broke up with 
my current beau whenever I developed a new crush. 

I've never dated a guy and had God be the center of our relationship. Senior 
year I dated a guy from my bible study. But we weren't mature enough for the 
seriousness dating requires. (And honestly I'm not sure anyone in high school 
is, sorry to all my loves out there still in 9-12)

This relationship was a struggle. Colin came to know Christ as we were already 
dating. It was hard maintaining a God-centered relationship when he was just 
learning what to do for himself as a new believer. I praise God for all he did 
when we were dating, and just for the fact that Colin now has a relationship 
with the savior. But we both need space to re-focus. 

"It's all good." I said
"But, you know, it's not." He said. 
"But it will be."

Yes, there's a lot of healing left to be done. But God has given me a peace 
through this whole situation. He was already worked amazing things just in this 
short week. 

I'm going back to Sandblast in 2014! I'm leading a small group with my best 
friend on this earth and I get to take Student Impact back to Indiana and ROCK 
THAT CAMPUS for the name of Jesus. This was made possible through a phone call I 
made to Kaylea in tears, at the end of which I hung up in pure joy. 

Everyday I am reminded of the way Jesus views me: that I am His and I am loved. 
If Jesus died for me in the midst of my sinful nature, then I am worthy of love. 

And I will find it. I am forever in pursuit of Him. And I know by pursuing the 
Master Lover, I will find my husband in Him as well. And my heart is going to hold out for a man who loves Jesus and can lead us both to Him each day.